20-year-old daughter stops contributing time and effort toward her physically impaired granddad after her family lazily and solely relies on her to be his caretaker, despite her being a full-time college student: ‘I don’t think it’s fair’

Author image for Lana DeGaetano
Lana DeGaetano • "Show me to me please."
Aug 22, 2025 6:00 AM EDT

Balancing work, familial duties, and numerous college courses as a full-time student is difficult, especially when, in addition to those duties, you are expected to be the sole caretaker to your physically impaired grandfather. Where do you find the time to take a breather? Spoiler alert: You don't.

The 20-year-old college student in this next story is expected to do everything for everyone but herself, but now, she's decided she's done being the family mule while her golden child sister doesn't lift a finger. Maybe her mother can try doing something for a change her daughter can focus on her studies.

Anyone can shout into the void that life isn't always fair, but when there are alternative routes and paths that one can easily take, and decisions that one can easily make, one might start to wonder if their fate is being decided for them by people who couldn't care less about them. This is how the full-time college student feels as she realizes that she's doing everything her mother should be doing for her siblings, trying to make part-time work outside of her college courses work, all the while, taking care of a grandparent who more likely than not needs professional care. Scroll below to read the full story.

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  • Cheezburger Image 10544432896
    via Getty Images For Unsplash+

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • "AITA for refusing to help my [physically impaired] grandad because I’m always treated like the default caregiver?"

    I (20F) am a full time college student, I also work part time, and I still live at home. On top of that, I help take care of my elementary aged siblings,
    via jkrash24
  • support my granddad who has mobility issues, and step in whenever my family needs. something. I love my family, and I do a lot for them (cooking, caregiving, errands, basically whatever is needed).
    via jkrash24
  • Here's the problem: my mom only ever asks me. My older sister can literally be lying in bed on her phone, and my mom will still find excuses not to bother her. She
    via jkrash24
  • never lifts a finger unless it's completely on her own terms. Meanwhile, I'm the one expected to handle everything, almost like the default caregiver while my sister is spared.
    via jkrash24
  • Last night, I had just come home exhausted after class and the gym. I made dinner for my younger siblings, got them ready for bed, and finally sat down to
    via jkrash24
  • eat late. My mom then asked me to help my granddad brush his teeth and get into bed. Normally, I do this for him every night
    via jkrash24
  • without complaint, but this time I said no. I was eating and needed a break. I told her to ask my sister, who was literally free at the time.
    via jkrash24
  • Instead of doing that, she immediately got defensive, said my sister was "sick," and acted like I was selfish for refusing. This happens constantly, if I question anything she gaslights me and makes me feel like I'm imagining her favoritism.
    via jkrash24
  • Cheezburger Image 10544433152
    via Dima Kapralov for Unsplash

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • I feel guilty, because I know my granddad truly needs help and it's not his fault. But I'm also drained from school, work, and already carrying so much at
    via jkrash24
  • home. I don't think it's fair that I'm treated like the only option when there is someone else in the house who is perfectly capable of helping too. I believe I
    via jkrash24
  • put myself in this position because I am incapable of telling them no, and I've given them an expectation that I am unable to fulfill.
    via jkrash24
  • AITA for putting my foot down and refusing this time?
    via jkrash24
  • Low-Suit5000 Therapist here. This absolutely does not make you an a h le. You tried to set a pretty reasonable boundary by saying "I'm too drained, please ask someone else" for a night and you received a harsh response.
    via Low-Suit5000
  • Unfortunately, it sounds like you will have to pick out a time to have a meeting with your family about realistic expectations. What happens when you graduate? Do they expect you to stay at home and take care of things indefinitely? Why can't your other siblings carry some of the load?
    via Low-Suit5000
  • The fact that your gut told you you might be an a h le for saying "No" for one night indicates this gaslighting happens a lot and has likely happened for a long time. I'm sorry. This sounds uncomfortable.
    via Low-Suit5000
  • jkrash24 That's exactly what worries me, I haven't even told them I'm moving out next year bc they assume I'll just always be here to pick up the slack. That's what makes me resentful, it's not even about helping it's about feeling like I don't get a choice. It's not realistic. Tonight made me realize how poor my boundaries are. Also thanks for sharing your thoughts
    via jkrash24
  • Ice_princess50 So why couldn't your moms help him out? Also NTA... I don't know if it's feasible for you to maybe look for somewhere else to stay? You can love your family and still help from time to time, but you are doing your share and then some sis! Take care of you too!
    via Ice_princess50
  • jkrash24 She said she's not feeling well (like always). I don't even question her anymore I've just learned to adapt to the routine. I plan on moving out once I transfer for my degre in the spring hopefully, I cannot put up with this any longer :/
    via jkrash24
  • Muted Hour_957 You're being parentified. You need to set boundaries or find way out asap. NTA
    via Muted_Hour_957
  • Simple_Bowler_7091 NTA. Saying no to family pressure takes practice, you did a good job sticking up for yourself and your right to sit and eat your dinner. Just because your Mom won't acknowledge the problem doesn't mean it isn't there. You already know you'll be leaving in the Spring, the kindest thing you can do for your family is to start to prepare them for your eventual absence.
    via Simple_Bowler_7091
  • I don't recommend telling them you'll be moving until you're packed and heading out the door. But you can continue practicing saying no now and gently steer some of these chores back in your Mom's direction. Start by not rushing home from class/the gym, spend some time in the library studying and making sure priority number one - your education - is secured.
    via Simple_Bowler_7091
  • Check out your school's counseling resources to see if you can get some individual counseling on setting boundaries, saying no without feeling guilty, and just overall coping skills to deal with your Mom's gaslighting and dismissal of your feelings. Good luck and stay strong, you got this.
    via Simple_Bowler_7091

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